


It’s All Very Timey-Wimey….till the End

by ChiefDoctor



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Library Fix-ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-01
Updated: 2015-01-11
Packaged: 2018-03-04 19:52:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3086711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChiefDoctor/pseuds/ChiefDoctor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Someday she will die.....she must be sure that he knows how much he was loved.<br/>That is her quest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Home Sweet Home

After trudging up to the porch she raises the number plate of the small white cottage.  Placing her hand in the scanner below she hears the tumblers in the lock sync into the open pattern.  Closing the panel she opens the door to her home.

Breathing in the smell of home reminds her that she’s been gone long this time.  If her calculations are correct it has been over two months but of course for her colleagues it will only seem like a night.  It’s amazing how she can compress time like that, expanding it for her fun.

‘Fun?  Well if you can call chasing hordes of barbarians for weeks on end only to have to annihilate them in the end when they wouldn’t see reason fun, then I suppose it was.’  She smiled because it was!  Of course she knew the Doctor would be ever so cross if he knew.  He didn’t like her putting herself in danger like that.  That’s why she didn’t tell him.

She could hear his voice, “River, you can’t do things like that!”  He first uttered them to her when she got into a scrape with a Sontarian fleet she called out for having a ‘hen night’.  Honestly did he think she was going to just sit around doing nothing waiting for him?  Seriously?  Did he have no idea who he had married?

She had to chuckle because of course he had no idea who he had married.  He knew she was wild and reckless.  He knew she was Amy and Rory’s daughter.  He knew she was part Timelord.  Hell, he even knew she was his assassin.  But know her?  Not really.  She kept that well hidden even from the man she loved more than the universe itself.

Heading to her bedroom she went straight to the ‘bigger on the inside’ closet.  Walking past the rows of clothes and shoes she lifted another panel disguised by a picture of the two of them from Alpha Beta Sira II.  It was one of their earlier trips, long before they were married.  She always liked this particular photo.  He looked all besotted and she looked absolutely hungry for him.  ‘Come to think of it, that hasn’t changed much.’  She muses as she lays her hand on the scanner.

The invisible door panel moves aside allowing her to enter her armory.  Quickly she presses her thumb and forefinger to the safe access panel.  She places her Alpha Meson blaster in first, followed by the Ion Plasma shifter she acquired on this last trek.  She unholsters and removes the various weapons she has housed on her body except for the small laser pistol she keeps strapped to her leg ‘just in case’.  With the weapons properly stored she then removes her battle gear hanging it till the next time.

Coming back to the closet she closes and listens for the lock tumblers to fall back in place before removing her dusty and dirty clothing.  ‘God, it feels like I have worn these for months.  Oh yeah, I have.”  With the clothes in the hamper she walks into her personal bath drawing the water in her oversized tub.  Adding fragrant bath salts she wishes he was here to join her in her large bath but thinks wistfully maybe she’ll send him a message after she’s rested.

With wicked thoughts racing through her mind she steps into the warm bath letting the dirt and blood of battle wash from her body as well as her soul.  She’s glad she had added the heater to the tub as it keeps the water from cooling while she can enjoy her long soak.  Having washed away the evidence of battle and given her hair the proper treatment she releases the water as she rises from the tub. 

Gently she dries her skin thinking how she wishes he was here to dry it for her.  She misses him.  _‘Oh how much she misses that man.’_   It still strikes her odd how she has those longings for him.  At times like this being alone she understands but in the middle of a battle or an interrogation she can feel her need for him just as much.

If only they did not live their lives in this back-to-front timey-wimey way.  Of course, she has always wondered would they both still be so fascinated with one another if they didn’t.  It was a fair question.  The mystery of one another, never knowing which one you’re going to get when one of them turns up to see the other.  That was part of the thrill.

Wrapping herself in her dressing gown, her hair piled high on her head slathered in conditioner she went back to the closet.  Placing her hand again on the panel under the picture she passed into the armory once more.  Walking to the back wall she stopped at what looked like a chest sitting atop a set of drawers.  Raising the lid she could see the time counter ticking by.  It indeed had been two months.  Two months five days to be exact.  Pressing the sentient button it recognized her and immediately reset to zero before starting its count again.  “There my love all is safe again.”

Entering the closet again she waited until she was satisfied that the armory was secure then chose a favorite nightgown of hers.  It wasn’t one she would wear for the Doctor but one that was warm and comforting for the long rest she well deserved.  Sliding beneath her sheets the warmth of the bath and the comfort of the cotton against her skin along with the exhaustion of two months of battles quickly took her to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	2. All In a Day’s Work

She woke the next morning feeling well rested and excited to be having a regular day of university lectures and undergrads with a thirst for knowledge.  As she readied for the day her thoughts strayed again to the Doctor.  She missed the idiot.  ‘Well perhaps I should invite him for a date?’  After she was dressed she headed to the kitchen where her university satchel laid on the counter next to her handbag.  Reaching into her handbag she pulled the psychic paper from its hidden compartment.  Quickly she sent him off a note:

It’s been ages….how about a date?

My place…..after 5.

xxoo

She thinks about her bow-tie wearing husband, the one who knows her best and hopes the message gets to the right one.  It can be rather embarrassing when a Doctor shows up who doesn’t know her and she has to pretend she doesn’t know him.  It’s not that she wouldn’t mind taking another Doctor for a spin but it would scramble the timelines and it’s best not to risk it.

Message sent she has a quick breakfast before heading to the university.  She has to keep her wits about her throughout the day.  For her students and colleagues she was just here yesterday.  It’s not always easy to remember what you did yesterday when that was really two months and hundreds of battles ago.

She manages admirably until her last lecture of the day.  When she is sure most of the students are seated she looks up taking in their faces.  That’s when she sees him tucked into one of the back rows trying to look inconspicuous, as if that was possible.  She smiles but quickly moves her eyes away from him not to give away that he was spotted.

For the first time today, she’s a bit nervous.  In the past when he has turned up to her lectures he makes a mockery of them.  Whether it be him pointing out something that he designated as wrong, or just trying to get her all hot and bothered in front of her students.  She was flush with excitement to find out which it might be. 

When three-quarters through her lesson she still hadn’t heard anything from him she nearly did something herself to call attention to him.  One look in his direction however stopped her.  His eyes were sad, sadder than she had ever seen them and she wished she could take him in her arms this very moment. As soon as she completed her lesson the students began to file out.  Quickly she gathered her notes and the artifacts she had scattered across the lectern.  She didn’t want to waste any time so she could be alone with him.

As she sorted her papers she felt his hands wrap around her waist from behind.  It could be no one else, the smell of time and space rolled off of him.  Leaning back against him she raised her right arm to wrap around his head.  “Hello Sweetie!”  She purred.

He responded by pushing her hair aside with his chin kissing her slightly below her earlobe.  _‘God, he knows what that does to me and me gone two months since I’ve seen him.’_  She practically melted into his embrace.  If he would have wanted her right there on her lectern she would have let him, she was sure of it.  _‘It’s not like it would have been the first time.’_   A wicked smile crossed her lips. 

Just as his hands started to move above her waist she heard a voice from the back of the lecture hall.  “Professor Song?”  It was without a doubt the Dean of Archeology and her mentor, Dr. Milligan.  Quickly disentangling herself from her husband she smoothed her clothes back in place before turning to address her boss.

“Yes, Dr. Milligan?”  The dean seemed to be put off by the man standing so close to the professor.  He looked quite young and concerns about scandal raced through his head.  Even in the 51st century a professor having an affair with a student was not acceptable.

“May I have a word?”

“Why of course.”  His hand at the small of her back reminded her that he was still there.  Turning in his direction she makes introductions.  “Dr. Milligan I don’t believe you’ve met my husband, John.”  She hears him snort in her ear but a quick elbow shuts him up.

At the relief that the man next to her was her husband and not a student the dean visibly relaxes.  “Your husband?”  He utters as he walks down the inclined floor to where they are standing.  “Well it’s a pleasure to meet you John.”  The dean shakes the Doctor’s hand.

“Just call me the Doctor.”   He says while shaking the man’s hand. 

“The Doctor?”  The dean questions.

River jumps in to explain.  “Yes, John is quite proud of his title and his rather ordinary name doesn’t quite suit him.  So we all call him the Doctor.”

“Of course.”  The dean says not surprised that a husband to River Song would have to be a bit odd.  “So anyways I wanted to remind you of the faculty mixer we’re having tomorrow night.”  At the first sign that she was going to protest he pressed on.  “Now I know you don’t like these sort of things but there are going to be some rather wealthy and eccentric patrons at this particular one.  You may be able to convince one or two to fund your expeditions.”

The idea of being able to take students on actual expeditions always thrilled her.  Since university funding had been cut recently that was one of the first budget’s to be cut.  With a gleam in her eye she squealed, “Oh now that might be fun after all.”  When she turned to see the sullen look on her husband’s face her smile dropped.  Moving closer to him she placed a hand against his shoulder.  “But you know the Doctor has been gone on his own travels for quite a while.  I don’t know if we will be available tomorrow night after all.”

The dean’s eyes traveled back and forth between the two of them before he said, “Of course, I understand.   If you change your mind, we’re gathering at my house for cocktails at 7 before we head to dinner.”

“Thank you Dean Milligan.”  The dean turned and headed out of the lecture hall.  She went back to putting her papers in her satchel.  He stood there quietly watching.  It was then that it occurred to her that he hadn’t spoken to her yet.  The only words he spoke were to the dean and that was few. 

Stopping in gathering the papers she looked up to take in the sight of him.  He looked like hell.  It was obvious he hadn’t been sleeping.  The lines around his eyes, the bags under them, and the stoop he always gets in his shoulders when he’s pushed himself past the point of exhaustion.  _‘What could be going on with him?’_  Quickly she tossed the rest of the papers in her bag.  _‘I need to get him home.  Find out when he is and figure out what to do about it.’_

Papers stashed she pulled the bag over her shoulder and handed him the box of artifacts to carry.  Without words she took his hand walking them out of the hall and into the bustling halls of Luna University.  “Where’d you park the TARDIS?”

“In your back garden.”  Even those tiny words seemed sad.

“Oh well that’s lovely.  It’s a beautiful day for a walk don’t you think?”  He nodded his head, tightened his hold on her hand, but his face didn’t change. 

The entire walk there he hadn’t asked her a question, didn’t wax eloquent on some subject that would only be interesting to him, he didn’t even comment when several undergrads were obviously ogling her.  _‘My god, what has happened?  Did I die?’_   She couldn’t help but think that.  _‘What else would have him in this state?’_   She couldn’t get home fast enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	3. Reunion

When they entered the cottage she sent him to sit in the lounge while she went to make tea.  He’d only been there a minute or two when he came into the kitchen.  Like he had done at the university he came up behind her wrapping his arms around her waist tethering her to him.  Tea could wait, this couldn’t.  She turned in his arms facing him.  “Sweetie, tell me what is it?  What’s wrong?”  Her hand rested against his cheek letting him feel her presence.

He looked like he was going to burst into tears at any moment.  “Oh sweetie, tell me.”

“I thought……I thought you’d left me.”  He manages to utter.

“Left you?  Sweetie, I’d never leave you.”  He pulled her to his chest and wrapped his arms securely around her to be sure she couldn’t leave, even now.

The whistle on the kettle broke their quiet.  Taking the opportunity she stepped back and turned if off then she turned to face him again.  “How long?”  She implored.  “How long since you’ve seen me?”

He looked at the ground then back to her.  “Spoilers.”

“No, you tell me.  It’s obviously been a while if you think I left you.  Did something happen?”

Again when he spoke, “Spoilers.”

Frustrated she took a step closer resting her hands on his chest.  “Ok, how about this.  When was the last time you saw me?”

“Manhattan.”  He watched her face for signs of recognition as to what that one word could mean.  He didn’t have to wait long. 

Her eyes went wide and her breath hitched before she said, “Oh!”

Regaining her composure from the memory of her parents sacrifice she peered into his eyes.  “But sweetie that was five years ago!”

His eyes widened at that revelation.  “I know!  That’s how long it’s been since I’ve seen you.”

“What!?!  That can’t be right.”

His grip around her waist becomes tighter.  “It is.”  He rests his chin against her curls taking in the smell of her, feeling her curves against him when he had begun to think he never would again.

“But sweetie, I just saw you two months ago.”

“What?  Where?”

“Not sure I should tell you that.”  She pulls her bottom lip in between her teeth in that way that makes his heart melt.

“No, you’re probably right.  Do you remember how long it was for you after Manhattan that you saw me again?”  He looks hopeful, hoping that she’ll at least give him this much.

“Maybe six months.  I know it was a while.”  She moved from his arms and walked across the room staring out the window.  “It was so hard to be around you.  It just kept reminding me that they were gone.”

“And that it was my fault.”

She whirled on the spot.  “NO!  It was not your fault.”  Quickly she returns to his arms.  “It was never your fault.”

“If I hadn’t taken them there.  If I….”  She cuts him off with a kiss, the first kiss he has had in five years.  It nearly shorts out his brain but it took his thoughts away from blaming himself and that is what she wanted.

Now that he’s tasted her he’s not sure he can stop.  He wants to devour her and she’s more than willing to let him.  She was ready to go stark after only two months of being away from him.  How did he survive five years?

She quickly pushes them down the hallway into the bedroom, clothes being shed as they go.  As soon as her legs hit the edge of the bed she falls into it taking him with her.  Its fast and it’s slow their lovemaking.  He can’t wait to take her.  She can’t wait for him to take her but in between are the slow kisses and caresses and all of the touches that let each of them know how much they are loved.

It’s hours later when they both fall asleep in each other’s arms convinced that their love is still as alive between them as ever. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	4. Time Together

She’s more than surprised when she awakes before he does.  That is indeed a rarity in their relationship.  His Timelord body needs much less sleep than her Timelord plus does.  When he doesn’t awake from her gentle touches across his back she remembers how completely spent he looked when she first saw him last night.  _‘I wonder how long it’s been since he’s slept?’_   She asked herself as her fingers slid through his hair.

Sliding out from under him she went to the kitchen to make breakfast.  They never had a chance for dinner last night and she was starving.  With her parents on her mind she decides to make a full English breakfast.  It’s been a while since she’s felt like it.

An hour later he stumbles out of the bedroom his hair standing up at odd angles in only his pants.  “River?”  He sounds afraid.

“I’m here, my love.”  Leaving the sausages on the stove she folds into his arms relishing him being here.  With a quick kiss she says, “Breakfast is almost ready.  Maybe go put your shirt on then come on back.”

“Why?”

“Cause I’m terribly hungry and I want to eat before I ravish you again.  And if you continue to stand here in just your pants I might not be able to control myself.”

He smiles at her in that way that he does.  “Really?”  He pulls her closer so she can feel how ready he already is for her to ravage him.  “I think I might like that!”  He waggles his eyebrows at her.

She swats him on the behind.  “Breakfast first….then ravaging.”  She kisses him quickly ducking out of his arms and back to the sausages.

“I hate you.”  He sighs as he turns back to the bedroom.

“No you don’t.”  She giggles as she plates up the sausages.

In a few minutes he’s back with just his button down shirt on…no trousers.  She smirks at his bare legs wondering what’s making him so bold today.  When she brings over the plates he looks up at her from where he’s pouring their tea.  The light is back in his eyes, not completely, but thankfully it’s a far sight better than he looked last night.

When she sits down they both tuck into their breakfast with gusto.  She was starving having missed dinner last night and then there was the months of battle meals before that.  But when she looks over at him it’s like he hasn’t seen food in……….  “Sweetie, when was the last time you ate?”

This seems to startle him out of his reverie.  “What?”

“Ate?  When was the last time you ate?” He can see the concern she is eyeing him with.

He mumbles, “I don’t know.”  Followed by another forkful of egg.

She reaches across the table for his hand.  “You haven’t been eating, have you?”

His hand stops on its way to his mouth.  Looking sheepish he mutters, “Maybe.”

“You haven’t been sleeping either, have you?” 

He doesn’t try to hide it from her just shakes his head.  “Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry.”

He brings his hand above hers over the table.  “River, this isn’t your fault.  You didn’t mean to stay away….well maybe for the first six months …but not after that.”

Despite the words that he said, she knew that was not what he believed.  He blamed her…and so did she.  They finished their breakfast in silence neither sure what to say.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When breakfast was over she shooed him into the lounge with a cuppa tea.  “I’ll be right there, I promise.”  She added the last part when she saw the twinge of panic in his eyes.  Leaning on the kitchen sink she wonders how she is ever going to make this up to him.  Then she wonders why the universe hates her (or him) so much to have kept her from him for five years. 

There is such a pain in her hearts.  She knows how she feels now when it has only been two months.  She remembers back to that awful time in both their lives when she stayed away for six months.  That hadn’t been her plan but she couldn’t stay.  He’d asked her to and she couldn’t even believe it when she heard herself turn him down.  Looking at the TARDIS, being around him, there were too many memories assaulting her.  She felt like she was drowning.  She had meant what she told Amy, “never let him see the damage.”  Of course she was damaged.  She had just lost both of her parents.  _‘How could she not be damaged?’_

When she thinks about it now though she realizes he was damaged too.  At the time it didn’t seem possible but now she’s wondering if they could have helped each other through this dark time instead of running away.  Looking towards the lounge she wonders if they can help each other through it now.

Tea cup in hand she enters the lounge.  He’s not sitting.  She smiles knowing he wouldn’t be.  He’s looking at the photographs she has scattered around on bookcases, atop books, on the mantel, on the side tables, and a few on the walls.  They’re pictures of her family: pictures of him and her, pictures with Amy, Rory, or both, pictures of all of them on one adventure or another.  There is even a picture of her, Amy, and Rory when she was still Mels. 

That’s the one he’s looking at when she comes up beside him.  “I went back to their place….. after Manhattan.  I nicked a few things.  That was one of them.”  He turns to look at her.  “I just wanted….wanted something from when we were all together.  Even though they didn’t know they were my parents back then; I did.  We just felt like family in this weird way that only means family to me.”  She was smiling as she remembered those times.  Times long before him (or in between, depending how you looked at things).

He wrapped an arm around her letting her head fall to his shoulder.  He was remembering too.  He was remembering a night when he was still so new, he was greeted by a little Scottish girl who wasn’t about to let him be forgotten. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Patting his chest she suggests, “Let’s go sit on the sofa.”  He nods and lets her lead them there.  Sitting down they both take sips of their tea letting the silence surround them.

He finally breaks the silence.   “Thanks…..thanks for sending me the message.” 

She’s surprised by the politeness.  _‘He’s still afraid, afraid I’ll leave.’_   “Doctor, what have you been doing in these five years?”  His eyes immediately go to his tea cup that he holds in his hand avoiding all eye contact.  “Doctor!  Please tell me you weren’t traveling alone.”

“No, no….not traveling alone.”  He says rather dismissively.

At first she smiles then wonders about how he said it.  “What does that mean ……exactly?”

Damn!  She could always see through me.  “It means….. it means I didn’t really travel.”  His final words drift off but she’s sure she heard them.

“You haven’t traveled?  What the hell does that mean?”

Her indignity to his words got him a bit fired up.  “It means I parked the TARDIS and didn’t travel.”

“Parked it?  Parked it where?”

He continues to focus on the pattern going around the teacup but knows she’ll only be more cross the longer he holds out.  “On a cloud….. over Victorian London.”

“A cloud?  Why Victorian London?”

“Because it was easier to blend in and Vastra, Jenny, and Strax were there.  It gave me somebody to talk to ……when I wanted it.”

“How long?”

He tried to pretend he hadn’t heard the question.

Leaning forward she asking again, “How long?”

“Since you left.”  He rubbed his face with his hand wishing they didn’t have to talk about any of this but at the same time he needed to talk about these things.  She had to understand.

“Since I left?  You’ve been sitting on a cloud moping for five years?”

“I wasn’t moping!”

“Oh really?”

“Ok, maybe a little ……but not all the time!” 

“Doctor, what have I told you about being alone?  Even Amy told you in her Afterword.”  Hearing Amy’s name after so long made him angry, and sad, and a few other emotions that he wasn’t sure of their names.

Focusing in on the anger he retorts, “You told me not to _travel_ alone.  _I wasn’t traveling_!”

Moving closer to him she rests her head against his chest.  “I’m sorry.  I’m sorry you had to be so alone for all this time.”  Pushing up to look in his eyes, “I’ll be sure to put in lots of make-up time in our future.”  She raised her eyebrows at him, hoping he got her meaning.

His arms tightened around her.  “Do you think we could start now?  I’m still feeling a little unloved.”  He smirked, hoping she knew he was teasing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	5. Professor Song

Her smile grew to a grin as she shifted to straddle him snaking her hands behind his head.  “I’m yours sweetie, always and completely.”  He leaned into her taking her lips in his wanting to never stop kissing her.  They spend the rest of the day reminding each other how much they love one another in the lounge, in the bedroom, in the kitchen, and the bath.

While surrounded by candlelight in the warmth of the bath she brings up the faculty mixer.  “Sweetie, how would you feel about attending the faculty mixer with me?”

He scowls at her, “Seriously?  You’d rather hang out with a bunch of stuffy professors than me?”

She gives him a sharp look.  “Are you calling me a stuffy professor?”

Flustered, “No, no not you but ….well..the rest of them.”

She turns to lean her back against his chest.  “How would you know?  You’ve never met any of them.”

“Well….they just looked stuffy when I’ve seen them in the halls.”

She laughs softly.  “I’m sure they do sweetie.  Besides that’s not really why I want to go.  I need to get funding so we can go on expeditions.  With patrons I can choose where we go.  When I have to rely on corporate sponsors it’s always where they want to go.”  He looks down seeing a bit of a pout.  He knows she’s playing him and he’s more than willing to let her, like a fiddle.

“Why what kind of places do corporations want you to go?  Are they not interesting?”

“Oh sometimes but it’s almost always for profit and you know how that can be?  At the moment I have three corps trying to get me to lead an expedition: the Baumite Group, the Lux corporation, and that nasty collector from Earth, Henry Van Statten.

His heart nearly stops at the name Lux.  Trying not to give anything away he focuses elsewhere.  “Please tell me you don’t collect things for Statten?”

“Know him, do ya?”  She peers over her shoulder at him.

“Yeah, we’ve met.”

“Yes, he’s a loathsome creature but he pays well.  Don’t fret.”  She strokes against his leg.  “I never sell him anything dangerous.”

“Oh, so it wasn’t you who gave him the Dalek?”

She turns looking at him incredulously, “Are you serious?  There’s only one thing to do with a Dalek.”  He tightens his arms around her.  “Shoot it in its eyestalk while it begs for mercy!”

Chuckling in her ear he presses a kiss to just below her ear, “That’s my girl!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  


In the end the faculty mixer wasn’t all that bad.  He got to see River in a different element.  It was like watching a master violinist play a Stradivarius seeing her maneuver the wealthy patrons into sponsoring her archeology expeditions.  As he watched from the edge of the room he couldn’t be more proud of her.  She had made a life for herself here.  After so much of it had been robbed by the Silence, and him. 

He bore heavily the guilt that her entire life had been manipulated because of him.  Not only had she lost her childhood to be trained as his assassin but then she gave up much of her adult life to serve a prison sentence for a murder she did not commit.  He would never understand how she could love him so completely when she should hate him.  But as he watched with pride from the sidelines he couldn’t contain how happy he was that she did.

While plying a particularly wealthy patron with all the lofty reasons why he should invest in her expedition she scanned the room stopping when she found him.  Smiling she winked in his direction letting him know with just a look that she couldn’t wait to get him home.

The truth is they couldn’t wait until they got home.  She dragged him into the university library up to the third floor that housed the archeology tomes.  There she made love to him against a table where she had spent many hours researching him finally knowing him in the most intimate of ways.

He stayed with her for three weeks.  It would have been longer but she had an expedition to take to Tanus 9 looking for fossils of the lost people of Intrac.  He laid against the pillows watching as she gathered her supplies for the trip.  The bed was soon covered with specialized tools, clothing to keep cool under the twin suns of Tanus 9, technology not of this time, and small discrete weapons.

“Where in Gallifrey did you get all of that?”  He points to the enormous pile.

“From my closet.”  She heads back into her closet.

“Your closet!?!”

She peeks back out of the closet, “Yeah, it’s bigger on the inside!”

“It’s bigger on the inside!”  He jumps up off the bed.  “Let me see!”

“What?”  Her voice muffled from inside the closet.

Walking through the rows of clothes, shelves of shoes and purses, he comes to the entrance to the armory where River is pulling her Alpha Meson blaster from her weapon safe.  “River?” 

Shocked at him standing in her armory she bites her bottom lip while looking up at him.  “Sweetie?”

“You have a weapons room?”  He levels her with a disapproving look.

“Don’t look at me like that sweetie.  You know my past.  You can’t expect that I don’t have an arsenal.”

He doesn’t say anything putting his hands behind his back as he looks around the room.  “How did you get a Phison Vaporizer?  They’re banned in three galaxies.”

With a gleam in her eye she purrs, “Oh just nicked it off a Jeson Barun when he was….a little tied up.”  He shakes his head but when he turns away from her he smiles at how much joy she can get from weaponry.  _‘I shouldn’t like that about her, kinda do though.’_

Coming to the back of the armory he comes to the chest sitting atop the chest of drawers.  Never one to leave a chest unopened he lifts the lid.  The counter is at twenty days.  “River, what is this?”

When she sees him looking into the chest she rushes to close the lid.  “Um, spoilers sweetie.”

He looks at her incredulously, “Still?”

With a sincere smile she says, “I promise sweetie this is one you will definitely find out about but not until the right time.”

He pulls her into his arms. “Promise?”

“Promise.”  With a kiss she pulls him in for a hug hoping he can’t see the sadness on her face.

Pulling him back into the bedroom she pushes her mound of supplies to the floor.  Pushing his coat off his shoulders she throws it on the pile, and then pulls his bow tie loose.  Gathering the ends she drags him to the bed making love until the wee hours of the night.

When she wakes in the morning she is alone except for a note he left for her on his pillow.

 

_My River,_

_I know you are going to be brilliant on your expedition._

_Try not to shoot anyone!_

_It would be too hard to have said good-bye, for both of us, I think._

_Come tell me all about your adventure when you’re done._

_Forever,_

_Your Docto_ r

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	6. Clara Oswin Oswald

After going back to the TARDIS on the cloud he chooses to come down to Earth more often.  He’s not quite ready to be with people full time yet but he’s working up to it.  Visits with Vastra, Jenny, and Strax help.  Despite their fervent efforts he still refused to engage in investigations and adventures, mostly.

Until that day when he ran into Clara, a barmaid who transformed into a governess, he stayed out of the matters of Earth.  She captured his attention and before he knew it he was offering her a TARDIS key.  As he told her, “I never know why.  I only know who.”

As she was dying before him all he could think of was how he wanted to scramble back up to his cloud.  _‘This was why he had stopped.  They always died.’_   Being the clever girl she was she saw that in his eyes and made him promise not to go back to his cloud.  Her final words to him echoed through his brain again, and again.  “Run.  Run you clever boy….and remember.”

Between his moments of grief for her he tried to understand why those words seemed so familiar.  _‘Have I heard them before?’_   It wasn’t until he was at her gravesite that he had his answer, of a sort.  “Clara.  Oswin.  Oswald.”  He read on her tombstone.  “It was soufflé girl again.  I never saw her face the first time with the Daleks, but her voice, it was the same voice.” His hands flailed as he made the connections.  “The same woman, twice.  And she died both times.  The same woman!”  He spun around as the possibility of the impossible was staring him in the face.  “Something’s going on.  Something impossible!”  He ran off in search of this impossible woman giving him a reason even in death for not hiding in his cloud.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	7. Their Last Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Hands you a tissue……

Throughout time and space he searches for further references to the impossible girl.  Of course, he runs into River.  Sometimes she’s his wife after Manhattan and he relishes those times when they both know each other so well.  More often though it is a younger, more reckless River whom he loves just as much.  It’s just so much harder to keep the spoilers from leaking out.

Always happy to see her he was thrilled when River appeared next to the console in a puff of frye particles due to her vortex manipulator.  After they had synced their diaries he realized that they might both be in the same place and time in their timestreams.  He was able to enjoy that moment for 9 minutes and 22 seconds until she mentioned her latest expedition: the Library Planet sponsored by the Lux Corporation.  He stood motionless as she pulled levers and pushed buttons on the console while telling him the one story he had hoped to never hear.

“So anyways Mr. Lux, he’s a bit of a tool, but he’s been persistent.  I’ve put him off for ages but when he met all of my demands, including an absolutely outrageous fee, how could I resist?”  She smiles past the time rotor at him wondering why he was being so quiet.  “Sorry sweetie, have I been talking your ear off?”  She came around to where he was standing. 

Luckily he had been able to collect himself before she saw his reaction to her news.  Wrapping her arms around his neck, one hand playing with his bow tie she finally greets him.  “Hello Sweetie!”

“Missed you.”  He barely breathes out.

“How long has it been?”

He pulls her tiny curvy frame into his long lanky one knowing that his grip is a little tight but not caring at this moment.  “Doesn’t matter……I always miss you.”

She leans back far enough that she can take his lips in hers.  Then whispers in his ear, “Show me.”  He surprises her by scooping her up, carrying her to their bedroom.  He mentally thanks the TARDIS for moving it right next to the console room.

They spend days showing each other how much they have missed one another.  She’s getting restless, he can tell.  Worried that she might just leave he entices her to stay by offering to take her to the one place she has always wanted to go…..Darillium.

“Really?  The Singing Towers?  I was beginning to think you were never going to take me there.  What’s the occasion?”

Holding her close he’s talking to her hair so she won’t see his face.  “It’s just time.”

Dressed to the nines he escorts her to the towers.  As they sing he watches her face glow with the joy of new wonders, and with being able to share them with him.  He’s unable to stop the flow of tears knowing that this is the last time he will see her before her time at the Library.  When she questions him he claims the singing awakened old memories reminding him of ones he loved.

This wasn’t exactly a lie.  As he held her for what was probably the last time he relived their many memories.  Centuries and centuries of memories and they still weren’t enough.  He nearly forgets to give her the sonic that he had made for her so caught up in his already grief and memories.

She can sense how emotional he is so decides that it’s best to slip away.  She leaves him a note as he has done so many times before. 

_Sweetie,_

_I’ve enjoyed our date but I must be off._

_We can take an adventure together when I get back from my expedition._

_Till next time,_

_River_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	8. Her Last Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Oh daleks, just take the whole box of tissues.

He tries to continue on with his quest for the impossible girl.  By pretending that she hasn’t actually gone to the Library yet he keeps himself sane.  His delusion that she is still out there causing havoc in all of time and space keeps his heart beating. 

One day he finds himself in a playground swinging on a swing.  It reminds him of the swing chair he used to have under the TARDIS console on his last desktop.  Flooded with memories of Amy and Rory, and then River he doesn’t notice the little girl who sits in the swing next to his.

Probably because of his preoccupation with the past he doesn’t realize how intuitive she is about him.  If he had he may have figured out who he was really talking to.  She can see his loneliness and how sad he is.  Her idea of going somewhere for a quiet think sounds incredibly good for someone so young.  He’s thinking about where a good place for that would be when he renters the TARDIS.

With his hands resting on the console he sees the flashing red light.  _“A message.  Who could that be from?’_  He almost ignores it but something inside him tells him not to.  Slowly moving towards it he pushes the play button as a sense of dread overtakes him.

Immediately a hologram image of River Song appears next to the console.  His hearts nearly stop seeing her again.  “Hello Sweetie!”

“River!”  He breathes.

She smiles at him as he comes closer, reaching for her.  His mind knows she’s just a hologram but his hearts weren’t listening.  The stab of the truth goes straight to his hearts when his hand merely passes through her.

“If you are watching this then my time has come.”  She continues.  “I always knew we would never get a proper good-bye with the backwards timey-wimey way our timestreams intersect.  I created a box, a keeper box.  In it I created my last message for you sweetie so that when my time came you would know, maybe not how or why, but when.  The box, the chest you saw in my armory it was programmed to send the contents of the chest to you if in one year’s time I had not touched it.”  He feels his hearts constrict further.

“My love, know that I never regretted, not one line of our lives together.  Yes, there were times I wished that we could walk side by side in our timestreams, to not have spoilers, and secrets to keep from one another.  I’m not sure you would have found me as interesting though if we had had that chance.”

“I would have.”  He breathes out.

“But I loved every minute I spent with you, even the times I wanted to kill you.”  He harrumphed and smiled thinking of those times, even those where she almost succeeded.  “I know you know.  I shouted it at you atop a pyramid in a place where all of reality was happening at once but I needed you to hear it one last time.  I love you more than anything in the universe.  I would rip worlds apart for you, oops I did that didn’t I?”  She smiles coyly at him.  He smiles a watery smile back. 

“My love, I wish we could continue on through time and space for as long as the stars shine in all the galaxies but apparently that’s not meant to be.  So this is my chance to tell you good-bye.  Don’t try to find out where and when.  Don’t try to change it.  We had a good run, remember that.  Good-bye my love.  I love you.”  She blows him a kiss then the image fades and is gone.

“NO!  Come back, come back!”  He falls to his knees as the reality that River Song has left the universe sinks into him.  Crawling across the floor he claws his way up the console ready to push the play button again.  He’s not ready to let her go yet.  That’s when he sees it.  It’s propped against the time rotor, deep TARDIS blue.  The envelope thick, almost bulging, he pulls himself up so he can reach it.  Unsteady hands reach for it bringing it to his nose.  It smells of time, and jasmine, and River. 

Bringing it to his chest he cradles the last item he will ever have that River has touched.  Stumbling backwards he falls into the jumpseat next to the back console staring at the envelope.  He can’t be sure what is contained within but he is sure that after he reads it he will never hear anything new from River again.

He can’t be sure how long he sits there staring at the blue envelope his cheeks stained with tears.  At last he lifts himself from the seat dragging his feet up the stairs till he finds his room, their room.  He lays the envelope on her pillow before he removes all of his clothes, tearing at them as if they are burning his skin.  The bow-tie pulled from his neck he lays astride her letter.  The closest they ever had to a wedding ring.

He lies beneath their sheets in the hope of smelling her, feeling her.  His hand reaches to her side of the bed coming in contact with the silk of his tie then the sharp corners of the envelope.  With the bow-tie laying over his hand and his palm resting atop the linen envelope he fell into deep dreams about the one woman who would always have his hearts.

When he wakes he is laying against the letter wishing it were her instead.  Brushing the sleep from his eyes he sits up allowing the sheet and blankets to fall around his waist.  Picking up the envelope he traces its edges feeling her energy pulse through his fingertips.  His finger slips down the edge to open it. 

He pulls out the contents.  There seems to be quite a few pages but when he looks them over he sees that they weren’t all written on the same date.  The pages are wrinkled, torn in some places, sometimes smudged with dirt and……blood.  Looking over the dates he chooses the oldest one.  Pulling Amy’s glasses from his jacket he sits back against the headboard.  Taking a deep breath he begins to read River’s words.

_Hello Sweetie,_

_I don’t know if this will ever get to you but I couldn’t leave this universe without letting you know how much you are loved.  You are still so young, you don’t even know fully who I am yet.  I know you have your suspicions (and the answer is yes!)_

_You and I have traveled so over time and space.  Don’t worry you still have all of that to come for you and it will be spectacular.  Do mind the angels they can be difficult.  Trust your instincts, they are good and will take you where you need to go.  Speaking of, trust the old girl she knows where you need to be in all of time and space._

_If I can defeat this pesky Sontarian fleet currently raining down ammo on our base (probably shouldn’t have told you that) then you won’t even read this.  If not well know I took out as many of them as I could._

_My love, I know you blame yourself for my life gone wrong but that is where you are wrong.  You are what made my life go right.  Without you my life would have been so boring. One day you will hear these words from me but they are just as true now.  You are loved throughout the universe and by no one more than me.  Be well my love._

_River_

He drops his hand with the paper resting in it.  Taking the eyeglasses off, he rubs his eyes her words repeating again and again in his mind.  Carefully he folds the paper putting it back into the envelope.  He wraps the bow-tie around the blue envelope tucking in the ends sitting Amy’s glasses atop.

Reaching down for his clothes they just feel wrong.  He goes to the closet walking through it to the TARDIS wardrobe.  Finding a robe from the time of castles and kings he comes back into his room.  Picking up the letters and the glasses he tucks them into the hidden pocket.  He then retrieves his sonic from his tweed before letting it fall back to the floor.  When he leaves the room he leans against the door thinking on all that he has lost.  Without turning around he deadlocks the door with his sonic.

At the console he enters the coordinates for a 13th century monastery.  Tucking the TARDIS inside a cavern he then knocks on their doors begging them to allow him to stay.  He explains to the monsignor that he has lost everything, everything that has ever mattered to him.  That he seems to be responsible for the death of a young woman, not once, but twice.  “How can the same girl be twice dead?”  He asks him.  He speaks of finding this girl again.

The monsignor is quite sure that he is mad but welcomes him to stay.  “Perhaps god can help him find peace in his troubled mind.”  The other monks leave him to his solitude referring to him as the ‘mad monk’.

Within a cave he creates a haven for himself free of any remembrance of the TARDIS.  He can no longer stand the sight of it.  It holds the memories of all that he has lost no matter how much he changes the desktop.  There isn’t an inch of it that doesn’t remind him of River and it hurts too much.

After many weeks he finds solace in painting.  He paints….River…..Clara……Amy……and River again, always River.  He keeps saying he is looking for Clara but he’s sure that is just a distraction to cover his grief about River.

When he can’t hold out any longer he pulls out River’s next letter.  Each one is filled with so much love, love for him, love for her parents.  After she is sure he knows who she is she asks him to say good-bye to Amy and Rory for her.  This nearly breaks his already fragile heart beyond repair. 

He holds out as long as he can between letters keeping her alive for as long as possible.  Before he had left the TARDIS he had tried to play her hologram message again.  It wouldn’t play again.  She must have known that he would drive himself crazy with it and put a lock on it.  Each time he finishes reading a letter he puts it back into the envelope, wrapping it with the silk tie, and placing it inside his robes….keeping her near him always.

The day finally comes when he has gotten to the final letter.  He laughs as she describes the sorry state of the Vincarrian army and how they were practically worshipping her as a goddess because of her military strategies.  She’s not sure if it will be enough so just in case she’s writing him this letter.  As always she ends it with how much she loves him adding how grateful she is that she got to know what true love is.

When he finishes a stray tear rolls down his cheek.  A tear because he knows she is truly gone now, and a tear for not having any more letters from her.  He knows she didn’t die in battle leading the Vincarrian army.  He remembers back to when she told him about their victory and how they hailed her.  She was truly magnificent that day and he promised to worship her as his own personal goddess.  A smile graces his face as he reminisces how they celebrated her victory.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	9. His Last Goodbye

It’s been nearly a year since he had received her letter and taken up residency in a monastery cave.  As he contemplates the last of her letters he gets the idea that he should do the same for her.  One day he will be gone.  This is his last body and as reckless as he is it could be soon. 

Sitting at his makeshift desk he carefully scribes a letter of love.  He speaks of her physical beauty describing how even the tiniest element of her body elicits a response from him.  Mostly though he wants her to know how her loving him changed him for the better.  Adding lines of poetry and quotes from Shakespeare he hopes that she can feel what he feels for her.  He hopes she knows that she was loved more than everything in the universe and by no one more than him.

When he’s finished he ventures back to the TARDIS.  He hasn’t been there in more than a year.  The old girl welcomes him back like her prodigal child.  Standing before his bedroom door he rests his head against it gathering the strength necessary to enter.

It’s just as he left it.  His clothes are scattered on the floor, the bed is unmade, and he can still smell her perfume in the air.  He places her letters on her pillow with his on top of hers.  Removing his robes he showers then dresses himself in a fresh set of clothes, brown tweed and black trousers.  Going to the bed he sits on the edge reverently unfolding his wedding tie from her letters.  Then crossing to the mirror over the dresser he carefully ties it making sure its straight.  He wants to look his best for her. 

On the dresser top he catches sight of her favorite photo of the two of them.  It was from ages ago, they weren’t even married yet.  He traces his finger over her face wishing their time wasn’t through but grateful that he was ever privileged to love her at all. 

He places her letters in his inside jacket pocket, carrying his pages to the console.  Before placing his letter into the capsule he brings it to his lips to pass a kiss along to her.  Sealing it he programs the old girl to send it along with his recorded hologram message to the Library when his life cycle is done.

“Old girl can you show me her?”  He beseeches his TARDIS.

She overrides River’s locks to show him her hologram image.  A smile forms on his face as he sees his wife for the first time in more than a year. He takes a deep breath readying himself for his own message. 

“Hi honey, I’m home!”  He smiles brightly at her tugging on his bow-tie.

Then he kicks at the ground with his boot.  “That was a bit rubbish, wasn’t it since I’m not really there with you.  I’m sorry.  I wish I was with you.”

He rubs his face before starting again.  “I didn’t know you when I put you in the Library.  I thought I had saved you.  Now that I know you I know that it probably feels like another prison.  I’m sorry that’s not what I wanted for you.  I thought I had given you eternity but what good is that when you can’t be with the ones you love.”

“I do love you River.  I never said the words….they always felt so inadequate for what I felt for you…..they still do but I have no others.  I always tried to show you where words failed me.  I hope I did.  I hope you felt how much I adored you, wanted you, loved you.”  He looks at the hologram of River looking back at him and he can barely contain the ache in his hearts.

“I miss you River.  I miss you so badly I barely know how to breathe.”  He turns away from her wiping the moisture from his eyes.  Straightening the labels of his jacket he turns back around with a smile pasted on his face.  “If you’re receiving this it means I’m done.  I’ve used up all of my regenerations so when I’m done I’m done.  I’m sorry I never found a way to get you out of the Library.  I’ve spent centuries and yet I never found a way that would work.  It’s my biggest regret.”

“River, my River I want you to know that you are loved.  You are loved by so many but by no one more than me.”  He kisses his fingers then blows the kiss to her.  Good-bye.”

He stops the recording resting against the console.  After a few minutes he changes back into his robes and rewraps his bow-tie around her letters.  Locking the TARDIS he says good-bye to the old girl not sure when he’ll be back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	10. Awoken by the Bells of Saint John

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that each of you have enjoyed my New Year’s treat to you all. Ten chapters for the first ten days of the New Year! Have a blessed new year where anything is possible………

He goes back to his cave only to be woken later that night by the ‘Bells of Saint John’ as the monks called it.  The phone call from the future reunited him with Clara or introduced him to Clara, depending on how you thought of it.   

He took Clara on many adventures that eventually lead them to Trenzalore.  For the centuries he defended Trenzalore he read and reread her letters again and again.  He couldn’t help but think how she would have been in her element here defending the innocent.   More times than he could count he wished she could have been by his side.  It didn’t seem to matter how much time passed his hearts still ached for her.

Eventually his time ran out.  As he drug himself up the stairs to face the Daleks knowing this was it he thought of River.  He took some comfort in knowing that his hologram self would be seeing River soon.  When he regenerated the old girl did as he had asked and sent to the Library his message along with his letter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

River was in her office working when Charlotte came bounding in his letter concealed behind her back.  “River?”  She looks up from the scientific textbooks littering her desk.  “Have you found what you’re looking for?”

River blows out a breath in frustration.  “No!  I keep looking and looking.  There has to be a way.  I need to find a way to get back to him.”

Resting a hand on her shoulder she gives her an encouraging smile.  “You will….one day.”

Shaking her head in frustration, “I don’t know if I am that patient.”

“Well maybe you need to take a break from all of this, maybe go on an adventure?  What about ‘Alice in Wonderland’?  That one is always fun.”

She adored Charlotte and she was grateful for her friendship but she didn’t understand how important it was for her to get back to the Doctor.  “Sorry, not today.  I need to keep working.”

Charlotte turned about to head out of her office when she remembered why she had come in in the first place.  “Oh River, almost forgot.  This came for you.”  She handed her the capsule containing the letter.

“What is it?  Where did it come from?”  River asked looking it over.

“Not sure.  It just showed up.  Well bye, I think Anita said something about visiting Hogwarts.  That might be fun!”

“Yes, bye.”  River said absently as she continued to look over the capsule trying to determine how to open it.  After a few minutes she heard the security protocols unlocking.  Luckily she had laid the capsule on her desk or she might have dropped it when his hologram started.  She laughed at his “Hi honey, I’m home!”

It had seemed like forever since she had seen him.  Time was not something she could keep track of in the Library.  It was unnerving for a Timelord who the very essence of time flowed in and about them.  But in the Library she could no longer sense time.  She could have been in here for five minutes or centuries.  She had no idea.

When he finally tells her he loves her a tear trickles down her cheek.  “Of course I knew sweetie.”  When he talks of trying to get her out of the Library for centuries her heart breaks for him.  It didn’t feel like centuries for her but for him it did, it was.  “Oh sweetie.”

At his final good-bye she realized this was it.  Even if she could get out of the Library he wouldn’t be there.  Opening the capsule she takes his letter from it leaving the capsule on her desk.  Walking across the room she sits on the soft sofa on the opposite wall from her desk.  Carefully she opens his pages.  Ever the archeologists she notes that the paper seems to be quite old, possibly 12th or 13th century Earth.  _‘What could he have been doing there?’_ She wonders.

Taking her time she savors every word he has written.  She always knew he was a ‘sentimental idiot’ but it was quite nice to experience it after missing him for so long.  When she finishes reading she presses the papers to her chest as if she could feel him in her arms.  Wiping the tears from her cheeks she presses her lips to the paper.  “Thank you, my love.”

She no sooner finishes those words than she hears sounds outside her window.  “What could that be?”  She listens closer.  “No, it couldn’t be?”  Rushing to the window she sees the TARDIS materializing on the lawn.  “How?”

Turning she lays the pages of his letter next to the capsule before running down the stairs and out the front door.  She’s nearly there when the door opens and he pops out.  The sight of her before him nearly causes his knees to give way. 

Staring at him she’s not sure if she believes he is really here or not.  There have been so many times that she has wished that he was here; she wouldn’t be surprised if the Library or CAL conjured him up for her. 

“River?”

“Doctor?”

She rushes into his arms, delighted when they feel solid around her.  Wishing to waste no time she brings her lips to his losing herself in his kiss.  He has no objections delighting in the taste of her, savoring the feel, the smell, the very essence of her after so very long.  _‘But how?’_

His need to know pushed him to release her lips.  “How can you be here?”  He breathed between them.

“How can you?”  She managed with all of the emotions ricocheting within her.

He leaned back further and took in his surroundings.  “Where is here?”  He asked.  He didn’t remember piloting the TARDIS.  The last thing he remembers was recording his hologram message for her.  Stepping away from her he tries to analyze the air, identify the landforms, at least determine what galaxy they are in but he’s getting nothing.  It’s a bit overwhelming this not knowing; he always knows.  _‘Perhaps this is one time it would have been good to have consulted the scanner before exiting the TARDIS.’_

Recognizing that look of not knowing in his eyes she goes to him taking his hand in hers.  She kisses his palm before resting it on her chest.  “You’re home, my love, you’re home.”

“But I don’t understand where is home?  I can’t tell.”

“I know it can be unnerving.  It was difficult for me as well when I first came here.  Leaning back she glanced around as if showing him their new home.  “It is everywhere, and no where all at the same time.”

“That makes no sense.  River where are we?”

“You’re in the Library.”  They hear the voice of a young girl behind them.  Turning River sees Charlotte beaming at them.  “Welcome back Doctor!”

“The Library?” He questions Charlotte.  “The Library!” He exclaims to River.  “How can I be in the Library?” He asks both of them at once.

River has no explanation but they both turn when Charlotte begins to speak.  “When the TARDIS sent your message, along with your letters, she sent something else.  She took your data signature, extracted it at the time of your message, and sent it to me.  I uploaded it in the Library’s hard drive as you had River’s all those many years ago.”

“So you’re telling me I’m stuck in the Library database?”  He had missed the look of disappointment on his wife’s face. ~~~~

“Not stuck Doctor, able to live on.  Did you forget your instructions to the TARDIS?”

He had barely finished his instructions to the TARDIS when he materialized here so ‘ _no he hadn’t forgotten’_ but he finally made the connection that he had been missing.  “So what you’re saying is that I’m dead….out there?”  He gestures to a place outside the Library.

“So it would seem Doctor.”  The additional knowledge that the TARDIS had shared involving additional life cycles and regeneration she didn’t understand and so she thought it wise to keep that to herself.

River had been quiet during his interchange with Charlotte and he knew what this meant.  “Charlotte thank you for doing this for me, for letting me see….be with my wife again.”  His eyes were focused on River now as if there was no one or nothing else around them.  “If you’ll excuse me I think I’d like to be alone with my wife now.”

“Of course.”  He barely registered that she was gone.

“River?”  He approached her slowly, carefully.  Taking in the sight of her again knowing she wasn’t an illusion or a dream he couldn’t stop the smile from taking over his face.  “It seems I can stay……with you.”

“Because you have no choice.”  She sighs sadness had enveloped her.

Quickly he gathers her in his arms holding her to his chest.  “No! No, that was never what I meant.”  He takes her hand and looks around for a place for them to sit.  A bench appears about five meters away.  Leading her to the bench he sits them down.  “River, my dearest River.  I have dreamt about a moment like this for so very long…..centuries actually.  Honestly when I saw you I thought I was dreaming.  It wouldn’t have been the first time.”

“You dream about me?”  She sounds surprised.

“Of course I dream about you, all the time.  It’s gotten harder lately though to remember your face.”  He reaches up tracing her face with his fingertips.  “It was scaring me that I might forget you.  There are so many others that I have put behind a door willing to let their memories go because it hurt too much.  But not you River.  You I wanted to remember always.”  They went quiet as his hands traced over her again and again as if memorizing her just in case.  After several minutes he blurted out, “I painted you.”

“You painted me?”

“Yes, when I was living with the monks.  I would spend hours trying to remember your eyes.”  His forefinger outlined her eye.  “Their color had always been such a mystery to me.  Sometimes they’re green, other times blue, but always with specks of gold flashing in them.  Whole galaxies could live in your eyes.”  She giggled.  “Your laugh!  How I have missed that.  I about drove myself mad trying to remember the sound of your voice.  I tried everything to get the TARDIS to play your message again just so I could hear your voice.  She never would…. you always were her favorite.”

‘Sorry’, she mouths.

Holding her hand he brings it to his lips leaving a reverent kiss there.  The look he gives her would have made her go weak in the knees so it was a good thing she was sitting.  In a moment his hands were cupping her face and his lips were pressed against hers, the kiss deepening as if he wanted to touch her very soul.  It reminded her of the time she thought might be their ‘last kiss’ at his gravesite on Trenzalore.  She supposes this version of him never experienced that.  _Spoilers!_

When air became absolutely necessary they parted gasping.  He pressed his forehead against hers trying to formulate a thought that wasn’t just her.  It’s all he wanted …..her.  “River?”  It was all that he was able to manage.

That was all that was needed, she knew, she always knew.  “Come, my love.  I think we’re going to need our privacy.”  Her voice purred like a kitten.

The sparkle in his eyes animated his body as he jumped off the bench his hand in hers.  “Geronimo!”  She laughed and laughed.  His joy matched hers as they had what they had always thought impossible…each other.

_**The End** _

_**(well not exactly since they will live on in the virtual world of the Library** _

_**for as long as it may exist.)** _


End file.
